A Friend in Need Is A Friend Indeed
How far would you go for a friend? Would you sacrifice your personal morals and do something that makes you uncomfortable if someone you consider a friend practically begged you?
Today I hung out with a friend I will refer to as Bob. Bob is a nice guy, close to my age, and single. We reconnected about a year ago on Facebook, and have reestablished our friendship. I have never dated him, have never fooled around with him, and have never been attracted to him in that way. He was just a generally good friend until we lost touch several years ago. That's not to say that he hasn't made it clear to me that he would like it to be more, but both times I have let him down gently, explaining that while flattered, I just do not feel that way about him.
When we were much younger, after high school but before being legally able to drink, Bob approached me to help him out with some back problems. He had a manual labor job that bothered his back. He offered to give me a few extra bucks if I would walk on it every once in a while. Back then, I was young, probably unattached and fairly carefree. I felt a little creeped out, but at the time $30 or $40 at a pop when it only cost $5 to fill up my car with gas was a good deal. I had a part-time job and was going to college, so a little extra cash outweighed the creep factor.
However, it later came to light that he didn't have back problems. He had a foot fetish.
Yes, a foot fetish.
I learned that one night, driving him home alone when he offered to pay me if I would let him suck on and cuddle my feet. EW! I found the line I would not cross, and made it clear that would not happen, although he did resort to some begging and pleading from what I recall. (ew - I thought that memory was sufficiently buried.)
Now, a lifetime and more later, I look back on that time and feel ashamed and sickened that I pretty much prostituted myself for pocket money. Especially after he revealed that he was turned on by it, not just benefitting from some amateur chiropractic work.
Bob asked me last week to help him prepare for applying to a civil service job. He needs some basic tutoring in math and English as well as some serious resume assistance. It so happens that these are skills that I have and when asked, was happy to help out. Bob also has a good connection to this very rare wine I enjoy, but cannot obtain easily. I had wanted to contact him for the last couple of weeks to see if, when he was in the area of the store that I know the wine is located, he would be able to pick up a bottle. He took care of that for me Saturday and I went today, Sunday, to pick it up and do some preliminary work on getting him ready for the civil service test and application.
After reviewing his practice test and resume, we each had a nice glass of wine. When I was ready to leave, Bob replaced my burned out brake bulb and I started to back down his driveway. He came out of the house and approached the car. Leaning into the passenger window he asked "Hey, if you aren't in a huge hurry can I ask you a favor? It will just be about five minutes."
At this point, I realize the correct answer should have been, "Gee, Bob. I am sorry but I really have been out later than I expected and I have to get home to make sure my kid is up, go grocery shopping", etc, etc, etc (fill in here ANY other chores or errands I could come up with).
No. I say, "Sure, Bob. What do you need?"
He then proceeds to kind of stutter and stammer. "Do, uh, you remember," (at this point a vague lump is starting to form in the pit of my stomach), "uh, way back when," (the lump gets bigger and more unpleasant), "you, uh, you know, when you would walk on my back?"
Oh God - there it was.
My mind goes through several scenarios. These were some of the thoughts that raced around inside of my head:
How do I get out of this? I asked him to get me some rare wine and he had it for me the next day. Ok, so if I do what he is asking, that means that I have learned nothing in 20+ years. I would still be prostituting myself, albeit this time for some good booze instead of cash. If I say no, will he just be embarrassed and walk away? What will that do to our friendship? Will he still want or expect my help with trying for that new job? If I say yes, will he expect me to do this every time I see him? I like to do things for people I care about, and don't like to say no to people, but, come on! Isn't this asking too much of a friend?
So about 30 seconds after he finally made his intent clear, he clarified by saying, "Ok, well, you see, I have a foot fetish. But it is not anything sexual. I just really like how it feels to have a woman walking all over me. It's not weird. I don't like little kids or anything, and you won't hurt me," (here, I mistake 'you won't hurt me' to mean I can say 'no thanks', and he will drop it).
"Uh, well, Bob, truthfully, I am kind of uncomfortable with that, and would really prefer not to. I hope you understand."
Uh, no. He did not understand. Following that was about five minutes of him BEGGING me, saying how he put himself on the line, and how hard it was for him to ask, and it would really mean so much to him. He would NOT listen to my telling him that it really kind of creeped me out. I felt guilty that he had gotten that wine for me, and despite being unemployed, would not take any money for it. He just would not let it go.
I asked if this could just be a one time thing, (I was already caving in - God, I hate myself sometimes) but he would not even give me that much.
"Well, it doesn't have to EVERY time you come over," he responded. Well, dude, I thought to myself, at this point I am not sure I will be coming over again, so you may not have a choice in this one. Admittedly, the thing that finally convinced me was the thought this this experience may make for an interesting blog entry, even if it is at the expense of my morals and self-respect.
I finally realized that this would not end until I just gave the hell in. Again, I disgust myself, and at this point was beginning to get a glimmer of what it feels like to be sexually assaulted, or at the minimum, sexually harassed. Ugh!! So we went back into his apartment, where he told me to hold onto the kitchen counter and top of the microwave, and he lay down on the floor.
ON his back, face up.
Yeah, I don't THINK so!
It was hot as blazes today and I had on baggy shorts. Just the kind that you would be able to look up into for a fantastic view of my undies. His statement that his fetish was not sexual went through my head - not sexual, my ass! I told him there was NO way that was going to happen. "On your front, face down or forget it." And no Bob, closing your eyes and turning your head was not going to be acceptable. He relented and I stepped onto his back.
I have to mention here that spines freak me out. My son has a slight curve to his spine and when we go to the doctor for a check up, I don't even like looking at my own kid's backbone. I like giving back rubs, but avoid touching the spine at all costs. Feeling someone's spine through my sandals was way gross.
Bob told me in a muffled voice that I could walk up on his shoulder blades and on his head if I wanted. He said he really likes the feel of a woman stepping on his head. He also explained that if you look up "fetish" online, it says that you do an act to "completion", and that is not what this was about.(yeah, OK, something tells me "completion" occurred about five minutes after I left).
He originally asked for 5 minutes of my time. During our negotiations, his pleading stretched to more like 15-20 minutes. As I stepped onto his back, my stomach in a tight little ball and my feet literally repulsed by the feel of the bones in his back, I looked at the digital clock on the microwave. 2:20 p.m. Mentally I told myself that I could suck it up for 3 minutes - 180 seconds. I think I gave him 4 minutes, and that was all I could stand. I truly felt like the rape vicitm who, during the act, just cringes and stares at the clock, praying for it to end soon. I did the same thing for those 240 seconds or so. A very long 240 seconds.
Honestly, at this point I am not really sure how things were left. It had to be uncomfortable for him to have asked me - especially when I was clearly uncomfortable with the experience. I guess we confirmed the plans made previously to meet next weekend to work on his resume and studying for the civil service test. In truth, I am already trying to think up excuses to get out of being put into that position again. I am sure the next time he is going to use the "you did it before" argument.
So am I the bad friend for not wanting to help this guy out? Is he the bad friend for putting me into a situation where I was clearly uncomfortable? How far would you go for friendship? Or even better, how do I avoid being put into this position in the future? I would hate to lose his friendship again, but I really do not appreciate being made to feel like a common prostitute.
Feedback welcome!
Today I hung out with a friend I will refer to as Bob. Bob is a nice guy, close to my age, and single. We reconnected about a year ago on Facebook, and have reestablished our friendship. I have never dated him, have never fooled around with him, and have never been attracted to him in that way. He was just a generally good friend until we lost touch several years ago. That's not to say that he hasn't made it clear to me that he would like it to be more, but both times I have let him down gently, explaining that while flattered, I just do not feel that way about him.
When we were much younger, after high school but before being legally able to drink, Bob approached me to help him out with some back problems. He had a manual labor job that bothered his back. He offered to give me a few extra bucks if I would walk on it every once in a while. Back then, I was young, probably unattached and fairly carefree. I felt a little creeped out, but at the time $30 or $40 at a pop when it only cost $5 to fill up my car with gas was a good deal. I had a part-time job and was going to college, so a little extra cash outweighed the creep factor.
However, it later came to light that he didn't have back problems. He had a foot fetish.
Yes, a foot fetish.
I learned that one night, driving him home alone when he offered to pay me if I would let him suck on and cuddle my feet. EW! I found the line I would not cross, and made it clear that would not happen, although he did resort to some begging and pleading from what I recall. (ew - I thought that memory was sufficiently buried.)
Now, a lifetime and more later, I look back on that time and feel ashamed and sickened that I pretty much prostituted myself for pocket money. Especially after he revealed that he was turned on by it, not just benefitting from some amateur chiropractic work.
Bob asked me last week to help him prepare for applying to a civil service job. He needs some basic tutoring in math and English as well as some serious resume assistance. It so happens that these are skills that I have and when asked, was happy to help out. Bob also has a good connection to this very rare wine I enjoy, but cannot obtain easily. I had wanted to contact him for the last couple of weeks to see if, when he was in the area of the store that I know the wine is located, he would be able to pick up a bottle. He took care of that for me Saturday and I went today, Sunday, to pick it up and do some preliminary work on getting him ready for the civil service test and application.
After reviewing his practice test and resume, we each had a nice glass of wine. When I was ready to leave, Bob replaced my burned out brake bulb and I started to back down his driveway. He came out of the house and approached the car. Leaning into the passenger window he asked "Hey, if you aren't in a huge hurry can I ask you a favor? It will just be about five minutes."
At this point, I realize the correct answer should have been, "Gee, Bob. I am sorry but I really have been out later than I expected and I have to get home to make sure my kid is up, go grocery shopping", etc, etc, etc (fill in here ANY other chores or errands I could come up with).
No. I say, "Sure, Bob. What do you need?"
He then proceeds to kind of stutter and stammer. "Do, uh, you remember," (at this point a vague lump is starting to form in the pit of my stomach), "uh, way back when," (the lump gets bigger and more unpleasant), "you, uh, you know, when you would walk on my back?"
Oh God - there it was.
My mind goes through several scenarios. These were some of the thoughts that raced around inside of my head:
How do I get out of this? I asked him to get me some rare wine and he had it for me the next day. Ok, so if I do what he is asking, that means that I have learned nothing in 20+ years. I would still be prostituting myself, albeit this time for some good booze instead of cash. If I say no, will he just be embarrassed and walk away? What will that do to our friendship? Will he still want or expect my help with trying for that new job? If I say yes, will he expect me to do this every time I see him? I like to do things for people I care about, and don't like to say no to people, but, come on! Isn't this asking too much of a friend?
So about 30 seconds after he finally made his intent clear, he clarified by saying, "Ok, well, you see, I have a foot fetish. But it is not anything sexual. I just really like how it feels to have a woman walking all over me. It's not weird. I don't like little kids or anything, and you won't hurt me," (here, I mistake 'you won't hurt me' to mean I can say 'no thanks', and he will drop it).
"Uh, well, Bob, truthfully, I am kind of uncomfortable with that, and would really prefer not to. I hope you understand."
Uh, no. He did not understand. Following that was about five minutes of him BEGGING me, saying how he put himself on the line, and how hard it was for him to ask, and it would really mean so much to him. He would NOT listen to my telling him that it really kind of creeped me out. I felt guilty that he had gotten that wine for me, and despite being unemployed, would not take any money for it. He just would not let it go.
I asked if this could just be a one time thing, (I was already caving in - God, I hate myself sometimes) but he would not even give me that much.
"Well, it doesn't have to EVERY time you come over," he responded. Well, dude, I thought to myself, at this point I am not sure I will be coming over again, so you may not have a choice in this one. Admittedly, the thing that finally convinced me was the thought this this experience may make for an interesting blog entry, even if it is at the expense of my morals and self-respect.
I finally realized that this would not end until I just gave the hell in. Again, I disgust myself, and at this point was beginning to get a glimmer of what it feels like to be sexually assaulted, or at the minimum, sexually harassed. Ugh!! So we went back into his apartment, where he told me to hold onto the kitchen counter and top of the microwave, and he lay down on the floor.
ON his back, face up.
Yeah, I don't THINK so!
It was hot as blazes today and I had on baggy shorts. Just the kind that you would be able to look up into for a fantastic view of my undies. His statement that his fetish was not sexual went through my head - not sexual, my ass! I told him there was NO way that was going to happen. "On your front, face down or forget it." And no Bob, closing your eyes and turning your head was not going to be acceptable. He relented and I stepped onto his back.
I have to mention here that spines freak me out. My son has a slight curve to his spine and when we go to the doctor for a check up, I don't even like looking at my own kid's backbone. I like giving back rubs, but avoid touching the spine at all costs. Feeling someone's spine through my sandals was way gross.
Bob told me in a muffled voice that I could walk up on his shoulder blades and on his head if I wanted. He said he really likes the feel of a woman stepping on his head. He also explained that if you look up "fetish" online, it says that you do an act to "completion", and that is not what this was about.(yeah, OK, something tells me "completion" occurred about five minutes after I left).
He originally asked for 5 minutes of my time. During our negotiations, his pleading stretched to more like 15-20 minutes. As I stepped onto his back, my stomach in a tight little ball and my feet literally repulsed by the feel of the bones in his back, I looked at the digital clock on the microwave. 2:20 p.m. Mentally I told myself that I could suck it up for 3 minutes - 180 seconds. I think I gave him 4 minutes, and that was all I could stand. I truly felt like the rape vicitm who, during the act, just cringes and stares at the clock, praying for it to end soon. I did the same thing for those 240 seconds or so. A very long 240 seconds.
Honestly, at this point I am not really sure how things were left. It had to be uncomfortable for him to have asked me - especially when I was clearly uncomfortable with the experience. I guess we confirmed the plans made previously to meet next weekend to work on his resume and studying for the civil service test. In truth, I am already trying to think up excuses to get out of being put into that position again. I am sure the next time he is going to use the "you did it before" argument.
So am I the bad friend for not wanting to help this guy out? Is he the bad friend for putting me into a situation where I was clearly uncomfortable? How far would you go for friendship? Or even better, how do I avoid being put into this position in the future? I would hate to lose his friendship again, but I really do not appreciate being made to feel like a common prostitute.
Feedback welcome!
Oh hun, that you even have to ask worries meD! He is the bad kitty here. Definately. The fact that he emotionally raped you when you stated that you would rather not and that the whole scenario made you uncomfortable puts it right out there. I know how much you value friendship, but this guy is no friend of yours. Lose him and quickly. This situation can only get worse. He is using all the excuses a pediphile uses when coaxing a child. The fact that he stated that it isn't like he likes children shows that he is aware of what he is doing to you. Curbside babe.Love and kisses - Kim
ReplyDeleteThank you Kim! Feel free to check back in as this is my new way of destressing! Hope to see you when you get back to NJ later this month.
ReplyDeleteCyndi
Er, am I coming to NJ later this month?
ReplyDelete