Unlucky in Love and In Life and Keeping My Head Up

I may be having another child. I am still not married, but I am in a committed relationship. We've known each other since I was a senior in high school and he was a sophomore, but its been all of 10 days that we have been dating. Since my only offspring is 17 years old (a little more than 2 months from being 18), volatile and bipolar, I have not exactly felt a strong biological urge to reproduce further. Plus, I have been single for a little over a year. Today, I realized that maybe I am not done being a mom. I will blog in more detail about the guy I am with another time, but suffice it to say, we have a history, starting when we were my son's and his girlfriend's ages. He has always been interested in me, and I him. I had not really seen him since my son was born! But we've kept the same friends, and therefore, have remained connected. When we met up again, both single finally, it was like BAM! Total connection. Logically following, we have been intimate, diligently p...

One week after the Senior Prom, we went crashing back down into insanity. Friday, May 7th was my Kid's Senior Prom. It was a great night for him - it was like I had a normal teenager for once. I knew in the back of my head that it was too good to be true and that something was lurking around the next corner. And I was right. Sunday was Mother's Day. I understand that teenage boys have difficulty in expressing emotions and would so much rather be with their girlfriends, but my kid did NOTHING for me. Oh, he and his girl made those Break and Bake cookies, but they made them so they could eat them. Bringing up 4 out of the 20 or so with a 1/2 glass of milk was not quite the Mother's Day I had in mind. I remember days long gone when I was dating my favorite ex, who would like to be known as Death-Hammer, when my kid would get up and make me breakfast in bed and pick my lilacs. Not any more. He slept til past noon this year, only waking when his girlfriend came over. They stayed...

My son had a normal high school experience this week. He went to his Senior Prom. What's the big deal you may ask? My son was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and is on house arrest for his rebellious, destructive behavior last summer. I had to call the police on him when he came home drunk one night and became threatening to me. Being an unattached, single parent, I had to call the police as there was no one I could look to in the house to diffuse the situation. Once I made the call, he was like a deflated balloon. All of the air went out of him and he practically collapsed at the foot of the stairs. He then said that he wanted to kill himself. By the time the police showed up, he was out on the deck, sitting silently in the dark, all alone. The police took almost a half an hour to try and convince him to leave with them quietly. They wanted to take him to the hospital for a psych eval. He seemed to be cooperating, at least he was being quiet while they spoke to him. But i...

Have you ever been getting dressed after having sex, looked down and realized that with half of your clothes on, and from the way you are sitting up, your middle looks waaay too soft, and then noticed your partner was standing next to you, loooking down on you and all of your ripples? In that situation, do you feel more or less confident if you are well acquainted with you partner or if you are strangers? Have you ever felt that sick feeling deep down inside, wondering if you look as bad as you feel? In reality, you probably don't look bad at all. You're probably very appealing in your post-coitus glow. Normally, with clothes on, you are very self-confident. However, when the stakes are high, you wallow in self-doubt. I find blogging to be this way as well. Tonight, I had my first comments to something I wrote from someone I don't know. To my knowledge, two of my friends have read my blog, and of them, one left a comment. The butterflies in my stomach launched into high gea...

After the first break up with my most recent ex, I spent a lot of time with a friend of a friend who also happened to be one of the teachers at my kid's school. :-0 I will refer to him as Professor Hottie. He was going through a divorce, using one of the lawyers at the law firm I work for, and he and I started bonding over his divorce paperwork. My kid was in one of his classes at the time as well, and had had him as a teacher in other classes for the last couple of years. Professor Hottie is the kind of guy that EVERY woman is attracted to. He is the epitome of tall, dark and handsome. He is also charismatic, funny and genuinely caring. Everyone likes him. Never in my life had a guy like that been interested in me. Eventually, as he was pouring out his heart to me about his evil ex-wife, our friendship became more. Without warning, one day he just kissed me. Passionately. My ex and I had JUST broken up (more or less) and I felt about 2 nanoseconds of guilt before just going for it...

How far would you go for a friend? Would you sacrifice your personal morals and do something that makes you uncomfortable if someone you consider a friend practically begged you? Today I hung out with a friend I will refer to as Bob. Bob is a nice guy, close to my age, and single. We reconnected about a year ago on Facebook, and have reestablished our friendship. I have never dated him, have never fooled around with him, and have never been attracted to him in that way. He was just a generally good friend until we lost touch several years ago. That's not to say that he hasn't made it clear to me that he would like it to be more, but both times I have let him down gently, explaining that while flattered, I just do not feel that way about him. When we were much younger, after high school but before being legally able to drink, Bob approached me to help him out with some back problems. He had a manual labor job that bothered his back. He offered to give me a few extra bucks if I w...

I was told recently that some (ok, all 3 of) my posts were a tad depressing. So I am going to attempt something a bit more light. Here's the story of my experience in 12step and 12 step supportive meetings. I understand that the specifics of those programs are confidential, so I will be as vague as possible. If I offend anyone, I apologize. My son got in a little trouble last summer, resulting in having to attend out-patient rehab for substance abuse. One of the requirements of that program was to attend some kind of 12 step program. I finally got him to attend his first one in a church in the neighboring town. Although he is 17, and completely capable of going alone, I went along with him for some moral support, and, let's be honest, to keep an eye on him in case any weirdo tried to pick him up or sell him anything. So we walk into this church we had never been in. We do not attend church, so going into one was a little bit uncomfortable, more for him, I am sure. The group was...

Ok - maybe two posts in one night is a little much - but I am still feeling my way through this blog thing. For the last 14 months or so, I have been single. Completely single for the first time in my adult life. I have to admit that for the most part, I kind of like it. I like having peace and quiet (relatively speaking since I am raising a bipolar 17 year old by myself). I do not have anyone complaining about my kid, complaining about the animals, inappropriately groping at me in social situations, farting and being generally annoying. (ok, most of that was aimed at my most recent ex - yes I still harbor some resentment). I dated my most recent ex for about four out of five years. We broke up after about 2 years, and then got back together about a year later. Our last break up was his doing. Has anyone been dumped by text message? After dating for a fairly long time? After having dated your best friend, someone you have known for 20+ years? Yeah, it was a treat. I can't believe t...

I really need to get a new job. The two I have now just are not cutting it. I have three days to payday for my primary job, and about $40 in the bank. I am at the point of trying to figure out creative ways to get veggies into dinner as I am running very low on available food to eat in the house. I am not quite at the point of saying the katsup my kid dumps on any kind of flesh that I serve is his vegetable for the day, but I am getting close. I will admit that cooking is one of my least favorite things to do, but when I do it, I try to give him protein, starch and veggies/fruits. Sometimes, when I am close to pay day and running low on food, that means apple slices, sometimes tomato sauce. Tonight I made a salad. Plain and simple, and he refused to eat it. Its hard enough to put a decent meal together, and he complains that he is ALWAYS hungry. It is very frustrating that when I DO make dinner, he won't eat half of it, especially to healthiest part. And he doesn't comprehend t...

Well, here I am. Jumping into the world of blogging. I am wondering if this is just going to be a cathartic endeavor on my part, that no one but me, and maybe a couple of curious friends will ever look at. I have to be honest - I really have no idea what I am doing, as I haven't read other blogs before. But I do like writing, and thought I would give this a whirl. Maybe I am better off having not read other blogs, so what I do here is totally just me. I guess this blog will be primarily about the craziness I encounter being a single parent to a bipolar 17 year old boy, and how that effects (or is it affects?) the rest of my life. I guess if you are looking in from the outside, some of it is pretty amusing. I will work on some amusing reflections when it is not so late, and I am not so tired. I am single, not just parenting without a partner, but also unattached. Although it is not as if I have not tried to become attached since my last break up. What is it about men these days? It...